I am typing on a keyboard sticky with icing from a cupcake, a cupcake that I told myself I shouldn’t have. I ate it anyway, like I was possessed. I saw my hand reaching for it. I saw it grab it, unwrap it, break it in half. I felt my mouth chewing it and watering from the sugary sweetness. And the whole time, my brain is screaming
Afterwards I feel disgraceful and I hate myself and my existence. But before I go further, let me explain my conundrum.
I am a tall, 125 lb, 18% body fat athlete. No, I don’t really need to be so concerned about one cupcake. No, it really isn’t going to make a different in my weight which I have been since forever. But it concerns me anyway before of how I act around it, like I need it. Like I don’t feel like any meal is complete unless it is ended with something disgustingly sweet. And this is because I have grown up in the era of “deserts alway come after meals”. UGH.
This goes on and on and on all the time. And I literally feel insane when I’m trying to fight the craving. I have, truly, had staring matches with desert before Unfortunately, they always win in the end. So, I decided I am going to go cold turkey on sugar for a while. At least a week. And then after that, sweet things become treats, not expectations. This is not going to be easy, seeing as I have been telling myself for a week I am going to go cold turkey. But anyway, hopefully this blog will help.